Tasting Disorder and Glimpses of Order

 Chaos and Disorder Around Us

We are in a time of considerable uncertainty and disorder. In a prior period of chaos during the late 1960s and early ‘70s, the world of my youth was falling apart. The immensity of disorder was disturbing: riots on college campuses, cities with significant racial friction, the Vietnam War, and the resignation of the U.S. President. Coming of age as a young adult, I had a naïve belief in the integrity within public life. What had been my embrace of public life became motivation to withdraw from life.  I felt an inner call to search for meaning beyond traditional notions of success.

An Extraordinary Order Sensed

Thankfully, I found glimpses of an order in the Gurdjieff teaching. It seemed vast and deep as well as practical. It was not an escape from life. In his major tome, Beelzebub’s Tales to His Grandson, Gurdjieff elaborates in great detail on mankind's disorder, with a sense of humor, and points to a path toward constructive life that begins inside. The teaching awakens us to a truth: we are as unbalanced inside as this world outside us. It directs us to work on ourselves with others. Many decades later, I have found the Work to be a satisfying and humbling search for order amidst disorder. This is an ongoing search.

Work on Oneself

Gurdjieff says that ordinary man and woman have no unity. We are a multiplicity. We are not a single “I”, but many “I’s”. There is disorder inside that we must face so that an order can emerge. How can I be open to this? 

We have to see what is true and untrue in us. We have to verify for ourselves what is so.

Discovery of Disorder Within

I observe a self-complacency and, at times, a refusal to engage in this self-study. My ego fights back against the notion that it is fictitious and needs to step aside and to be of service. Developing an ego as a child was essential andproductive; it has assisted me in life. I can’t let go of this. “I can’t” is sometimes seen in the background as ongoing resistance to keeping things as they are. The Work speaks to a “real I”, which can take its place.

Much of the time, I am engulfed in a kind of waking sleep. An inertia in me endures and promotes passivity. With this work, I can make efforts to awaken, even though I am not able to stay awake. There is a back and forth in the rhythm of life and in a work on myself.

There are disorders that unintentionally I bring into my life. Quitting before the finish line is a good example. I have almost finished a project and I stop. Sometimes it’s just a matter of cleaning up and putting things away. Rather than bringing order, my momentary “inability” to follow through leaves some disorder. Simple excuses: “I am tired,” “I have done enough.” There are examples where I completely fail to see the finish line in front of me. Disorder is perpetuated, yet order is so close at hand and I am oblivious to the feeling of an order inside that may come with completing an activity.

Work with Others

Work with others is an important element of the Gurdjieff teaching. Working side by side with others, self-knowledge emerges. I learn from my neighbor who is on this same journey, and in some ways so different from me. Others see things that I do not see. And it is so much easier to see a flaw in another. Can I see the “mote in my own eye”? Rich relationships emerge through practical work—in crafts, Movements, group exchanges, and caring for a house of Work.

I learn from my neighbor who is on this same journey, and in some ways so different from me. Others see things that I do not see.

My Unbalanced Functions

We relate and interact with the world through three functions: a thinking function, a feeling function, and a moving/instinctive function. The Gurdjieff teaching suggests that each of us “hangs out” in one particular function. We are directed to observe these functions with impartiality. What does that mean? Some functions are more exercised anddeveloped: others are underdeveloped. These functions have amazing capabilities apparent in a talented leader, mathematician, poet, athlete, or artisan, yet this Work is not about excelling in a particular function. We are challenged to get to know our functions and their extensive habits and to realize how they may be developed more fully in a balanced manner.

My own head brain has ruled the roost much of my life. Excelling in academics promoted this. I can be captive to the richness of the intellect and imagination, not knowing that I am cut off from a richer reality. Much more meaning comes into life with opening to the feelings, as well as engaging the body. My emotional life was much less developed and, to some extent, still is. I have been surprised to witness childish emotions still alive in me. In time, the opportunities to laugh at myself, while being more attentive to my functions has been enriching. It has taken me years and years to take the study of my functions seriously and to appreciate what impartial self-observation means. A sense of order can come with seeing what is—without attachment. An objective observation can be a wordless acceptance.

A sense of order can come with seeing what is—without attachment.

Work in the Gurdjieff teaching challenges us to be simultaneously present to our intellectual, emotional, and moving functions. We are instructed to begin by being present within our bodies. Having sensation within the body allows me to witness my active head brain. And it can reveal elements of my emotional life which have normally been off the screen of self-awareness.

 Attention

For most of my life, directed attention has supported the aims of my ego, aiding in the accomplishment of intellectual and physical activities. Throughout the day, my undirected attention is also attracted by impressions that catch my attention. We need a new quality of attention, free of the ego—an attention that sees what the ego is not proud of, what it is not interested in or wants to turn away from, and from automatic distractions. Each function has its own attention to be explored.

We need a new quality of attention, free of the ego—an attention that sees what the ego is not proud of, what it is not interested in or wants to turn away from, and from automatic distractions.

Independent attention can exist apart from functions. At moments, I may encounter a stillness when present in the moment, when my functions are quiet and balanced. There is something deeper and genuine in me that I am not normally in touch with. A subtle quality of attention is needed for this.

More Presence in Life

The Gurdjieff teaching is not “other worldly” in its focus. We are urged to be grounded and to participate in life. With the passage of many decades, I appreciate having more capacity to see inner disorder and outer disorder within my immediate world. Sometimes I am able to see what may be taken care of in the moment, perhaps following a project through to completion. However, it is not the outer order that the teaching directs me to. There is an inner order that I may be called to see: to escape momentarily from an inner disorder toward an inner order, to oppose my lethargy and open to a quality of energy in me. Awakening to the inner order can be experienced in completing a project. How my ego would like to take pride in our accomplishment!

Layers of order and a sense of scale are expressed in the Gurdjieff teaching. It points to a hierarchy of order which invites our pondering. While that is not easy to grasp or understand, at moments I can glimpse a deeper order. A stable,balanced tree grows upward, reaching toward the sun and is fed by its roots growing downward.